My mother’s Crap Pie is the stuff of legend. In fact, it’s so legendary that I’ve started to doubt whether it actually existed.
The idea was that, since small children leave a lot of their food, it would be economical – these days, perhaps, zero waste – to save the scraps and do something with them. Thus the scraps were gathered and when sufficient were to hand – so the legend goes – they were tipped into a dish, coated with a pie crust and served up to those who hadn’t deigned to finish them first time round.
The evidence for this phenomenon is weak: composite, procedural memories of pies and pie dishes on the table at home; a vague sense that mince and baked beans go really well together; and occasional, snarky mentions during Christmas dinner.
The Lockdown Omelette arose out of some unusually large vegetables and a new egg buying procedure, during the first lockdown in 2020. We and a neighbour had found catering suppliers who only offered eggs in very large trays. We’d also scored some truly magnificent veg boxes diverted from closed restaurants, from New Covent Garden Market. The boxes were incredible – the veg was perfect, and I’ve never seen onions that big – but each selection was huge and I struggled to use them up. I created the Lockdown Omelette.
It’s great for me, since I’m dreadful at following recipes and don’t like making anything apart from tea the same way twice, so the only consistent ingredient is the eggs.
1. Fry up your veg in a sauté pan. I usually start with onions and cook them slowly, with the lid on, and if I’m using peppers I cook them at the same time for sweetness. Then I add other veg.
2. While that’s happening, beat six or more eggs. Sometimes I add stuff like harissa to the eggs. Cream is also a nice touch.
3. Add the eggs and stir in a vague and unfocussed way to ensure relatively even distribution.
4. Allow to cook on a low heat, until it looks like the bottom half has solidified sufficiently. While this is happening, grate some cheese (optional: sometimes it really isn’t a cheese day) and switch on the grill.
5. Pop the pan under the grill (I’ve left it until now to tell you a pan with a plastic handle isn’t a good plan).
6. When it’s looking sort-of ungooey on top, take the pan out and sprinkle the cheese on top.
7. Return the pan to the grill and wait until the cheese reaches your preferred meltiness.
Lockdown Omelette is probably nice with things like pepperoni, ham and chorizo but I don’t eat those. Maybe it should be called a tortilla, but isn’t that to do with potatoes? Ask a serious chef; I don’t know stuff like that.
Some Nice Combinations
I’m not very good at remembering what I put in, but I think these were quite good.
- Onions, capers, olives and tomatoes.
- Onions, sweet red pepper, grated courgette, cheese.
- Onions, capers, peas and courgettes (The Wife made this one).
- Onions, harissa, red and yellow peppers, spinach.
Actually, these all have onions. Maybe I should have specified onions more specifically above. Created your own? I’d love to hear about your Nice Combinations.
Some other thoughts 